Why I left Islam

I was an observant Muslim who had very strong belief in Islam. I had a huge interest in philosophy and was a keen reader of books on morality, religion, rationality and science. I always thought that theologically, Islam is the most rational religion. It seemed ridiculous to me how someone would choose to believe in something else. As I matured, I decided to study my religion deeper, as to better myself at defending it. The DOs and DONTs that Mullahs preached never made sense to me. My reason did not reconcile with things like ban on playing chess, music and drawing… all the things that I so much loved. I grew tired of Mullahs and so I rejected those things and convinced myself that Islam has deeper meaning than this.
I decided that to be a perfect muslim, I have to follow and understand the character of Muhammad. But when I read the life of Muhammad, the things that I found made me quiver, cringe and squirm. I was totally disgusted by the fact that he married a 9 year old, exterminated a tribe of around 800 (mostly innocent) Jews, including boys who had just grown pubic hair. He ordered stonings and amputations and commanded capital punishment for anyone who spoke against him. I just couldn’t defend these loathful acts, not even to myself let alone defending it to others.
I became suspicious by the fact that whenever he did questionable things, those events were immediately followed by verses that approved of those things. He married the divorced wife of his adopted son, and when people questioned this immoral act he presented them with new verses that ratified this. He was married to nine women at a time, although Islam permits four wives at most. When Aisha thought of questioning it, God “revealed” new verses that gave him special dispensation, allowing him to marry as many women as he pleased. Although many good sayings and deeds are related to him, on the other end his life account is also full of stomach churning incidents. I became skeptical of him and I felt that the character of Muhammad reported in Hadith was a moral paradox. He certainly is not the best example for human beings and if he were alive today, he would have been sent to prison. It was a bitter pill to swallow, but my belief was so strong that I decided to reject all Hadith books. I convinced myself that Hadith are not authentic.
One by one I had rejected most of the things claimed by Islam. I thought to myself that the only thing on which I could base my belief in Islam, was Quran. I believed, as it is commonly believed that Quran is the direct word of God and is free from any corruption. To be honest, I never finished reading the Quran because it was too boring and I used to feel sorry for myself not to appreciate the precious and eloquent word of God. But the little that I did read, completely blew me away. It was full of such laws and commandments that could never be word of an all Good God. The God of Quran totally condones owning female slaves for sex, commands brutal punishments for thieves and adulterers, recommends beating of wives, restricts women rights to half of men in court testimonies and inheritance, and even sanctions child brides. He persuades us to use our intellect yet not to ask questions, has created the universe yet makes erroneous claims about science. And before I tried to reject that, I asked myself who was I trying to fool? I decided that if this is the all good, all knowing God, I don’t want anything to do with such a god.
I began losing my faith. I moved to philosophical questions and asked myself why does God need worship? Why did he send all prophets to the middle east? Who guided the indigenous Amazon tribes who had their first contact with outer world couple of years ago. Why did He send books only in pre-scientific era? There are more non-believing and misguided people in these times, why doesn’t he send us a prophet now? Whats the purpose of life? What is it that he wants to test? I never opted to take the test. Why is he always threatening the non-believers? Surely he could have created a more reasonable religion. Why would he punish people for rejecting something that lacks reason. The torment in hell is so brutal that no human would suggest it for a criminal or disbeliever? Does this mean we are better moral beings than God?
There are so many questions that made me doubt all religions. I went through the most mentally disturbed period of my life. But I came out strong in the end, rejected Islam and became a Deist. Finally, I want to say that I tried my best to believe in a God’s religion. But he has left no room for reason and rationality. Mankind is suffering from pain, disease, filth, agony, hunger and corruption, while God sits back and enjoys the show. I have recently read a story of a taxi driver in Pakistan who poisoned himself, his wife and children because he was too poor to feed them. The god who not only allows such suffering but also ordains eternal torture in hell as punishment for suicide, and yet claims to be Ar-Raziq (The Provider) and Ar-Rahim (The Merciful) is a sadist, selfish, morally corrupt and a hypocrite. And is certainly not the God, I would like to believe in.

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What Am I?

Am I the Slave?
Am I the King?
or am I the desert Wind?
A stone in my own shoes,
A cancer under my skin?

Am I an Object of Intention
or failed experimentation?
Your proclaimed Master piece
or an unexpected complication?
An answer to your loneliness
A result of Adam’s transgression?

“Let man in the image of God, be made”
Did You not know, what it entailed?
Subjected to Your tests and Satan’s deceit
Entangled is a mortal, trying to make ends meet
What is this test, What is my creed?
Does it justify the pain, suffering and greed?

I prayed to you, and I did prostate
Fasted the fasts and Qayam al Layl
Why do You need praise? I am amazed
Is that not enough, that You know You’re Great

You taught me to reason and exercise my brain
But attempts to comprehend You, have all gone in vain
If your guidance is eternal, beyond doubt and precise
Why did You abandon us, in the present times?
I’m sorry, I don’t get your divine plan
Dear God, make me understand